oh 366, i believe!! there's still a bunch of year left, we can do it...its been a long month for me...sometimes too much happens at once...hopefully we can stay up now...the following posts are some of what i've been writing in the meantime...i hear you dahlak tho, i've only been writin verses too


back to "me"...

i say nigga and 'no homo' more than any of my professors or colleagues would believe

surely, just how often these words take up residence in my slanguage, and just how unproblematic it is for me,
presents an alarming disconnect
between my politics and my action, for some

my choice of words however,
should not be confused with an uncritical survey of
white supremacist capitalist heteronormative patriarchy

most of what i do is intentional
if you don't understand, good...
my niggas do, no homo

NOW
i work from 9-5, teaching...then go to class from 6-9

in class, either class,
i don't say nigga
...or 'no homo'

this may or may not come as a surprise, depending on how well you know me
and this may or may not register as a significant detail about who i am and how i choose to be in the world

but, i assure you
i am performing least when the word nigga is treated as a parenthetical aside for any point i'm trying to make

that is
how i speak,
my slanguage, if you will, is a barometer of how comfortable i am as "me"
when i don't have to think about how "I" appear to some,
i talks how i talk
and just do me
with no guard or wall of irony or feeble attempt at something witty

meaning
i perform, in a sense, from 9am-9pm, then sleep and then perform again
meaning
i am not really "me" ALL of my waking hours

NOW
if i am not me, ALL of the time,
does that make the rest of it actually "me", you know what i mean?
(i mean, i know it all comes from the same place, but one is certainly an intentional performance, i.e. using academicspeak in class, either class)

or does that mean "I" am veritably trapped in a cliche--constantly performing race and intelligence (a performance very related to my performance of race)??