you checked out of rehab today
said it was too expensive

yesterday,
i had a dream that you gave up
completely
you called aunt vicki--the spirit of our family
said, i can't
she called me

today, we had the same conversation

cousin, i can feel you break at the smile
your hasty reassembling of happy
or normalcy gives me deja vu

for all the minutes, and hours, and days
you surrender to and behind a smile
i can't look at you
or smile back, maybe i never could
and maybe that's what you need more than anything else
a smiling face, someone happy to see you

but
god...damn it...or me
you are politely rotting
in a perpetual state of apology,
when nobody cares about broken glass
or broken promises

i want you to be exactly what you are right now
tired, angry, ugly, confused, spiteful, mournful, marooned, alone
a hot mess
fucked up

because right now you are alone
and you are fucked up
and a bad performer,
and nothings wrong with that

you keep saying,
i would die for any one of you,
i would rather you live

and look for me, smiling on the other side