i can go dark...
really dark
it scares me

i can't allow myself to falter
may not be able to pick myself up from alcoholism...
if i fall into my family past

i am not productive
as depressed
can't organize myself distracted
like some

i sit
and i sit

unspooling,
threadbare, and trapped in cliche...

focusing on corners, and corners
two sharp edges meeting at one point--
makes the world standstill, lets gravity take hold

and i think
i could enjoy it,
failing as a person,
insulating myself in despair
is easier than railing against a world that constantly disappoints,
is uncompromisingly self-centered (whether or not self-opposed)
and i could like that,

its like armor,
maybe texture for a personality i am losing
or never had
...it scares me

i can think myself
into
corners
i can think myself
couch ridden

fetaled by knowing there is more day left,
life that can still be lived in these moments
and the choice is my own...
extending myself is not
uncomfortable or frightening
just another body length of questions why...and how
that i am too lonely to seek answers for