They say that there are an infinite number of alternate universes, meaning that there is at least one universe for every single possible scenario out there.

That means that in some universe, instead of Barack Obama, the black candidate is Morgan Freeman.

And as much as I like Obama,
you can't deny that Freeman
would be a total shoe-in.

At the very least, Freeman instead of Obama would provide instant resolution to some of the key "inconveniences" of Obama's background that have barred him apparently from the voting contingents of desperate housewives, crusty senior citizens, and super-strict Asians.


Clause 1: The Name
While certain commentors on YouTube claim that Obama is a terrorist just because his middle name is Hussein, I remain baffled as to how those ignoramuses were able to find the wifi in their trailerparks. But regardless, the man's middle name is definitely Hussein, and in the nation where people feed turducken* to their cats I wouldn't put it past me that at least a couple thousand people voted against Obama strictly for that reason.
Morgan solution: Well duh, the man's last name is FREEMAN. You can't get much more patriotic/anti-terrorist than that. He could even get away with legally splitting his last name in two so that he can say, "Free's my middle name." And then his last name would the MAN making his name MORGAN MAN (which not only is a great name for running a country, but also for selling paper towels).

*BTW, in case you don't know, this is what a turducken is.


Clause 2: The old people
The other night during dinner I asked my grandma if she was planning to drink, to which she responded gleefully, "Yes!" (in Chinese, which when translated is, "Yes!") But when I declared that I wanted to take a shot with her, she quickly flipped it on me and said, "No, you're not allowed to drink!" This is one example among many of how old people don't like to see younger people do grown-up things, even if they're old enough to. This has hurt the young strapping Obama, who compares to the rest of the leading candidates like a grape in a bowl of raisins. Nico made an interesting point about John McCain. That fool's old...meaning that he was, like, in his 20's around the time racism was still alive and kicking. Conservative rich white dude living in the 60's? You know that guy was racist. He was probably college organizing around racism--in favor of racism. And behind every old farty ass John McCain, there are a few thousand even older fogies living in Tampa Bay (or at least houses in Middle America but with wallpaper from the 70's that's supposed to make you feel like you're in Tampa Bay).
Morgan Solution: Speaking of 70's, Morgan Freeman just turned 70 this past year, making hims just a bit younger than John McCain. That's right, they were both born in the 30's. That means they both might have been alive the day this picture was taken:


Sorry Obama, it's a Great Depression thing...you wouldn't understand.


Clause 3: Experience
On the radio today I heard an Korean American woman call in to find out if Clinton won the Asian vote, and when it was revealed that Asian American democrats voted for Hilary 3 to 1 she replied rather imperially, "Yesssss!" (in Korean, which when translated is, "Yessss-ha!"). She then went on to evaluate Clinton and Obama in the same way that one would compare potential concubines: "Clinton has more experience, which is important. Obama speaks well but has no experience, so he might not have enough depth."
Morgan Solution: You tell me: what demonstrates more "experience" as president? Hilary as the FIRST LADY during the Clinton administration? Or Morgan as PRESIDENT during Deep Impact? (HINT: On one end you have Morgan who dealt with the earth being blasted at by asteroids. On the other end, you have Hilary who dealt with Monica Lewinsky being blasted at by...nevermind.)*

*Besides president, Freeman also has experience as Fredrick Douglass and God, and knows an awful lot about penguins. Hilary--show me what you got, lil mama!