tryna post a blog from my phone (what does that even mean?!?) crazy!



for what I never said...

I have a particularly acute sense of smell
it's what I use to know people, and things

hospital room--ammonia, non-scented scented generic laundry detergent, sick human

sick human
is generally how
I think we naturally smell--
how muscles smell when they atrophy
body odor,
breath odor,
natural excretions
suspended stale above a hospital room bed
sick human

so I'm sure something malfunctioned, probably in the transfer
my emotion is not hardwired to smell,
like emotion is generally hardwired to smell with memory:

this smell makes me happy, mom was happy, mom is sick
this smells like my preschool counselor, and naptime, and thermos in my lunchbox, and remember the A-team lunchboxes, and watching the A-team at Nonnies house,
Nonnie got sick
my mom is sick

scent is what usually brings it home,
tells me I'm in love
Crushes me, when I need to be crushed,
Orders me to be sad

Instead, now
I can only react to the pleasantness and unpleasantness of smell,
it doesn't remind me of anything, or conjure up any memories

and
I wanted so bad the weight of her cancer
To break me,
my mom is sick
I wanted to be broken,
because I should've been broken
because so many people wanted to put me back together

Instead,
ammonia and sick human
form a bilious duet, crowd the room and make me nauseous, and only nauseous,
no afterthought or interrupting melodrama of sick mom in my nausea

She is not dying, She is decomposing
She is decaying
systematically
hair by hair, fingernail by fingernail
And nothing can shake me
What good is my body?
I can't feel this
i can't feel anything